Family Constellations: Healing Our Family of Origin 

“Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary what we need is to love without conditions.”                                                                   Mother Teresa 

First of 2023 Family Constellations Workshop

Workshop Date: Saturday, March 4th @ 10 am to 1 pm (Arrive by 9:45am)

Location: Ss. Aedan-Brendan parish hall, 112 Fountain Street, NEW HAVEN
(Basement/hall entrance is located at the Alden Avenue parking lot).

We often have issues that belong to our family of origin – called entanglements and
identifications. Family Constellations helps one regain balance, respect, dignity and love, thus freeing us to live and love more fully by healing our past and offering us a greater capacity to love.

Family Constellations is an alive, uniquely phenomenological – spiritual – experience
exposing hidden dynamics within families’ traumas and/or misfortunes, often played out within friendships, marriages, and family life. Family Constellations can touch our deepest core, transforming us and the lives of those we love. The innocence of a child wants only to love his or her family, and will often sacrifice their own best interests in a blind belief this suffering will ensure a belonging to the family. This workshop brings such hidden loyalties to light so that love can flow in a healthier way.

Constellations uncover disruptions so we can find strength, dignity, belonging and love. Such profound healing comes about as we explore personal issues related to illness, split-off parts of the Self, and difficulties in work and relationship situations. With this we are opened to a greater freedom and power to love.

Those in the helping professions can acquire systemic constellations skills to cultivate into their own practices. Attendees are able to feel the effects of the workshop and the freedom resulting from powerful resolutions.

Facilitator: Don Paglia, a veteran marriage and family therapist, trained with J. Edward Lynch, Ph.D., of the New England Institute of Systemic Constellations, and with other world leaders, and has been a trainer for the New England Institute. Don has Advanced Post Graduate Training, including Bowen Family Therapy, and Gestalt Therapy. He has facilitated numerous  systemic constellations since 2003. Don also has a private marital therapy practice.

COST: $30. individual, $50 couple, $10 student.
Pre-register: More information: Contact Don Paglia @ 203-671-2211 or
donjpaglia@gmail.com to confirm location/insure a workshop spot or for additional 2023 workshop dates to be forth coming soon!

“Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary what we need is to love without conditions.”                                                                   Mother Teresa 

First of 2023 Family Constellations Workshop

Workshop Date: Saturday, February 4th @ 10 am to 1 pm (Arrive by 9:45am)

Location: Ss. Aedan-Brendan parish hall, 112 Fountain Street, NEW HAVEN
(Basement/hall entrance is located at the Alden Avenue parking lot).

We often ace issues belonging to our family of origin – called entanglements and
identifications. Family Constellations helps to regain balance, respect, dignity and love, freeing us to live and love more fully by healing our past and offering us greater a capacity to love.

Family Constellations is an alive, uniquely phenomenological – spiritual – experience
exposing hidden dynamics within families’ traumas and/or misfortunes, often played out within friendships, marriages, and family life. Family Constellations can touch our deepest core, transforming us and the lives of those we love. The innocence of a child wants only to love his or her family, and will often sacrifice their own best interests in a blind belief this suffering will ensure a belonging to the family. This workshop brings such hidden loyalties to light so that love can flow in a healthier way.

Constellations uncover disruptions so that we can find strength, dignity, belonging,
and love in our present lives today. Profound healing often results as we explore personal issues related to illness, split-off parts of the Self, and difficulties in work and relationship situations. Those in the helping professions can cultivate systemic constellations skills into their own practices. Attendees are able to feel the effects of the workshop and the freedom resulting from powerful resolutions.

Facilitator: Don Paglia, a veteran marriage and family therapist, trained with J. Edward Lynch, Ph.D., of the New England Institute of Systemic Constellations, and with other world leaders, and has been a trainer for the New England Institute. Don has Advanced Post Graduate Training, including Bowen Family Therapy, and Gestalt Therapy. He has facilitated numerous  systemic constellations since 2003. Don also has a private marital therapy practice.

COST: $50 individual, $65 couple, $25 student.
Pre-register: More information: Contact Don Paglia @ 203-671-2211 or
donjpaglia@gmail.com to confirm location/insure a workshop spot or for additional 2023 workshop dates to be forth coming soon!

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#10:    GET INTO THERAPY

Finally, the tenth step for becoming a successful victim. If you have been following along up to now then it is time for you to advance as you are ready –

more than ready for professional victimhood. You are now a professional victim and this means you’re ready to take on the so-called pros: Find a therapist. Find lots of them if need be. Join groups. Attend workshops. Get diagnosed. Nothing is more useful for a victim than the language of psychotherapy.

“I’m an Adult Child of Alcoholics.”

“I’m an Adult Child of Normal Parents.”

“I was verbally abused.”

“I’m having a mid-life crisis.”

“I was under nourished in my previous life.”

“I can’t help myself, I’m neurotic.”

Don’t find just any therapist; find one willing to do the work for both of you. With a good diagnostic label, some genetically based notions for whatever your assigned malady, and an over-responsible therapist, you are well on your way to avoiding any viable treatment plan that comes anywhere close to your taking responsibility for – ANYTHING.

If you begin to even suspect your therapist may be working up the nerve to offer some psychological insight, such as:

“You know, Billy (age 47 and still living with his parents), it seems to me that getting fired seven times from seven different jobs in less than three years is a bit unusual. Do you suppose you might have something to do with what you describe as a string of bad luck? I mean, maybe not all of it, but maybe some of it? What do you think, Billy, is it possible?”

Dump this therapist immediately! She’s onto you and it’s unlikely that she’ll ever let up. This one obviously does not need the case flow of people that just want to hang around and practice whining and complaining. So he/she isn’t likely going to let go of this “insight” regarding your lack of personal responsibility.

If need be, explode into a fit of well-rehearsed rage.

“You’re just like all the others!” (Meaning those five therapists you’ve fired for saying very similar things already).

“You have no idea what it’s like for me. I’m damaged! All my bosses hated me. My mother didn’t hold me enough/held me too much. My father was a jerk! Too old fashion! Too uptight! Too normal! And now I have this lousy therapist who expects me to be more responsible! You don’t understand what I’ve been through. I’m damaged, and now you’ve made me so upset. It’s all your fault!”

Then, immediately leave.

When you walk past the receptionist, do not let your smile be visible. Wait until you are safely outside before you approvingly notch one more shattered professional into your victimhood belt. You are way more of a professional than this so-called helper.

With these ten steps, when it comes to victimhood, they’re all amateurs – family, friends, work colleagues, ministers, and even professional therapists. You’re the professional!  After all you definitely have what it takes.

NOTE:

I do hope you’ve enjoy this tongue and cheek series, possibly playful approach – this paradoxical tactic – and have even found it to be perversely useful. Obviously real people do have real problems. In no way was this blog series meant to belittle or discount the serious or tragic things that many people must face. At the same time scapegoating, blaming and projecting, on top of our very human condition – our addiction to needing to be right makes it difficult to see the part we may play in our problems and struggles.

None of us get to choose the circumstances of our lives. However we do get to choose how we respond to the circumstances of our lives. And to that end I say we get to have a powerful say in the matter of our lives.

Pogo, the now defunct comic strip once said:

“We have met the enemy and he is us.”

# 9: ALWAYS FOCUS ON THE NEGATIVE AND/OR POTENTIALLY BAD IN LIFE

If you have been following along up to now you should already be pretty well versed with this step. And there are always the newspapers, the internet and all kinds of other media available to help you advance your capacity to victimhood. With some diligence you can find the rain clouds amidst the sunshine. It’s all a matter of reframing and being committed to your passion for optimal victimhood.

Start by using whatever comes up as an opportunity to see the bad or negative in it.

“Yeah it’s nice now, but it won’t last. Believe me we’ll pay for it later.”

“Look what we had to go through in order to get here.”

Learn to look for the down side in each and every event. This method is called the “sinkhole” effect, and it is a powerful deterrent for a bright and pleasant day. Say things like:

“People only pretend to be nice because they want something.”

“He only donated to that charity as a tax write-off.”

“This isn’t going to work out well; just you wait and see. Something is bound to go wrong.”

Dig around enough and you’ll always manage to find something to complain about. When things go 99% well, focus on that 1% that didn’t. If you find a dollar on the sidewalk, complain that it wasn’t a ten. Say your “back hurts from bending over to get that dollar”, or that “the money is infested with germs.”

If you really want to set people off here are a few statements that promise to launch most people into a reactive state and cause them to be irritated:

1. “Are you sitting down? I’ve got something to get off my chest.”

       2. “In my humble opinion…”

      3. “No offense or anything, but…”

      4. “Look, you should know this…” (And then launch into a vicious criticism)

      5. I’m just being honest.” (Actually you’re being frank and harsh)

      6. “I’m the only one who has enough backbone to tell you what everybody’s saying about you.”

      7. “With all due respect, but…” (Then blast away with disrespectful comments)

      8. “I’ve been thinking about something you said about me a long time ago, and while you might not remember it, it’s been bothered me since then.”

Here are some more great ideas to foster your victimhood:

When you are in a restaurant talk about how the steak on someone else’s plate has cancer causing chemicals. You can also do some comparing by telling the wait staff that the plate of food at a neighboring table looks nicer than yours does.

When someone asks you how you’re doing, launch into a litany of physical ailments – real and imagined – as well as the terrible things that happened to you that day.

 “I had to go downtown today. It was awful; I couldn’t get a parking space; I didn’t have enough quarters for the meter…I worried about getting a ticket for the entire time I was at my appointment. The clerk I had to deal with was so rude and took forever… I was late for my next meeting…I had a headache all day long and I think I’m dying!”  

There are endless things you can banter about regarding how awful they are if you put your mind to it. If you have been able to find a mentor or two you can readily see how effective they are when it comes to spouting negative comments. This has a tremendous effect on bringing down an entire group you happen to be with. If you are really effective you may notice others start joining in and add their own frustrations and complaints. This will surely frenzy up a sinkhole effect of negativity.

And here’s where you can become a great player in the sport called: “Can you top this one?” Whenever people start talking about their various pet peeves, interrupt them with things like:

“If you think that’s bad, let me tell you…” Or

“That’s nothing, wait until you hear this….”

In summary, with a solid commitment for negativity you can contaminate any environment with these various strategies. Any and all of them will zap the positive energy from just about any sort of gathering or event.

Next week: # 10 GET INTO THERAPY

# 8:    SELECT A STYLE THAT WORKS BEST FOR YOU

Victims come in all sorts of different shapes and styles. Only you are the one who is best suited to determine what style of victimhood is more to your own liking there are plenty of options available.

What’s critical is that you decide on a style of victimhood that works best with your personality and temperament. One popular style of victimhood is the poor-me approach. This particular one is great for controlling others and it’s done mostly through passivity. It operates to a large degree on indifference and inaction, and with a huge doses of guilt.

“It figures. Nothing good ever happens to me. I’m not lucky like you.”

“I was born at the wrong time, wrong place, in wrong family…”

By consistently using your negative affirmations, combined with plenty of criticism and gossip, the meekly exhibited poor-you approach can generate a circle of people who will gravitate towards you by feeling sorry for you. These people typically start out with strong desire to help you – and if left to their natural tendencies will eagerly take over more and more, thus letting you sit back more and more. Without realizing it they will unwittingly collude in your helplessness and join in your ill-fated victimhood.

Over time these emerging patterns of pitiful victimhood will be cemented into place, and you will never again be expected to pull your own weight. This persona of the pathetic creature that you are becoming will go a long way in creating you as someone seen as a bona fide victim.

While you sit back in your poor-me passivity you’ll enjoy knowing you have provided fulfillment to so many over responsible types. The name for these folks is over-functioners. Over-functioners are people who are compelled to take care of everyone else, and they will sweep in and, if allowed, over-extend themselves further and further. They will take more and more responsibility, as you subsequently take on less and less.

For the more serious and dedicated victim there is the optional rage-filled victim approach. This style is for the more enterprising person – the one with the stamina that’s needed to inflict outrage and indignation into every possible situation. Initially it is a more difficult approach. However, once mastered, it offers several advantages: It endears you to no one; it provides substantially more lasting power; and it is likely to expedite you with serious health problems that can only further fuel your life of victimhood.

The rage-filled victim is someone who is successful at dealing with even the most dedicated helpers – over-functioners – of this world. There is also greater satisfaction from dampening the heretofore-indomitable spirits of those who generally think of themselves as good and decent people. Lash out with random acts of rage and contempt when someone mistakenly presents you with some helpful suggestions to improve your terrible lot in life. If you do this often enough you will provoke these otherwise kindly people into becoming the most unsympathetic people. They will shift into being highly reactive and defensive. This shift in their normal stance will cause them to feel extremely conflicted. This will both surprise and distress them. Show them no mercy. While they are reeling from their own dismay demonstrate you’re most intense and irritated combination of contempt and anger.

“That’s pretty easy for someone like you who was born with a silver spoon in his naive and pathetic mouth to say! You don’t have a clue about all I’ve had to go through!”

If the helper is initially undaunted, continue your attack. Keep at it until they back away.

“You really make me sick; you and your stupid advice! As if you’re so perfect. Try minding your own business for a change!”

With persistence, the most recalcitrant helper will eventually back off and retreat from your side. And they will avoid you now like the plague. Rest assured you’ll enrolled them as your best ambassadors – forewarning all others that you are NOT to be reckoned with!

Next week: # 9: ALWAYS FOCUS ON THE NEGATIVE AND/OR POTENTIALLY BAD IN LIFE